Mommas Like Me: A Letter to My Momma

My beautiful Momma
1948-1999

Dear Momma,

I miss you. Terribly. Some days so bad it literally hurts. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss the way you used to smell. I miss your tiny feet and how you always laid in bed with your ankles crossed {I do that too ya know} like such a lady. Most of all I miss your touch. Your warm, comforting, loving hugs. The kind only your Momma can give you. Losing you when I was only 16 was incredibly difficult and as much as I needed you then, I feel like I need you even more now. 12 years without you has seemed like an eternity, and as hard as it has been, life has gone on without you. You've missed so much Mom, so much.

Shortly after you passed I graduated from high school. It was hard not having you there to celebrate my achievement. You would have loved to see me dance my pointe solo as Belle wearing the big fluffy tutu you helped me pick out. It hurt to look out into the audience knowing that you weren't there. Later that summer I got baptized, I know you would have been proud and I know you would have cried. You missed out on boy problems and teenage drama, and although Dad was always there for me to talk to, it just wasn't the same as talking to you.

I wish you could have been there when I realized I was falling in love and wanted to get married. You would have been the first person I called when I got engaged. It would have been so special to have you there when I went wedding dress shopping. I often wonder if I would have picked the same dress had you been there giving your opinion, or if my wedding would have turned out different if you would have been by my side planning all the details. Although my wedding day was beautiful, it was bittersweet. I married the love of my life, but my best friend wasn't there to see it.

I needed you the day I found out I had miscarried my first pregnancy. Knowing that your first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, your words would have been so comforting to me. You would have known what to say when no one else did. I wish I could have called you the day I found out I was pregnant for the second time, and I wish you could have been there to share the joy and relief I felt the day I saw your grand babies' heartbeat for the first time.

As much as I needed your shoulder to cry on the morning of my baby shower when I found out that Daddy had suddenly passed from heart failure, I'm kinda glad you weren't there. Seeing you break down would have been more than I could have handled.

I wish you could've been there a month later to hold my hand while I delivered your grandson. Yes, that's right, you have a beautiful little grandson and I wish more than anything else in the whole world you could be here for Carter. I show him pictures and talk about you all the time. He knows you're his Mema and he knows that someday he'll get to meet you. Now that I am a momma, I feel like I need you more than ever. I wish I could just call you up for some advice, to vent, or just to hear you reassure me that I'm doing a good job.

I miss you every time I'm sick. I know you would still take care of your "baby," bring me chicken soup, and take Carter for a day of fun so I could rest. I miss you every time Carter does something new or says something funny and I can't call you to tell you about it. I hate that we can't go on shopping trips together, get pedicures together, or enjoy a glass of wine together. I miss what our relationship could have become.

I am grateful, though, for all that you taught me during the few years we had together. You taught me the importance of family. How important it is to be kind. To do nice things for others without expecting anything in return. To stand up for what I believe in and to fight for the people I love. Your strength, courage, determination, and grace are all things that I admire about you. But I do wish I would have listened more and argued less. That I would have asked more questions and payed attention when you would try to teach me how to do things. That there would have been less eye rolling and more "thank you's" for all that you did for me.

Throughout the years I have often wondered how things would be different if you were still here. Other times, I remind myself about the things I know for sure. I know for sure that you would love you son-in-law Josh and would be proud that I married such a loving, hardworking, wonderful man. You would love that he treats me just as great as Daddy treated you and that he loves cheese fondue just as much as you did. I know for sure that you would be head over heels in love with your grandson and he would be as equally in love with you. And though I question it from time to time, I do know for sure that you would be proud of the woman and Momma I have become.

Mom, I want you to know that even though you may not have be here physically for all these things, you have always been and will always be in my heart and memory. I love you so much Momma, more that I ever let you know when you were here. I look forward everyday to the time when your loving arms will embrace me and NEVER let go again.

Your Daughter,
Lacee