Pretty sure that all of you have heard of Jeff Foxworthy, right?
You know, he's the one who does all those "You might be a redneck" jokes.
For example...
"If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack, you might be a redneck"
or
"If your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart Shoppers!", you might be a redneck"
Actually, one of the first signs {other than the infamous McDonald's golden arches} that Booger Bear recognized when he was little was the Target bullseye...so I'm not quite sure what that makes me other than a Tarjay addict. Hmmmm...
Anywho, I thought today I'd do my own version of these kinda jokes. Not about rednecks, of course {not that I have anything against rednecks, I think they are lovely people} but about mommas. Cause let's face it, when we become a parent we all start doing crazy things that we swore we'd never do and when you think about it, they are pretty darn funny {and gross}.
So here I go...
*Disclaimer* I am NOT a comedian. If these are not funny, a sympathy laugh would be much appreciated.
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever been thirsty and took a drink from your child's sippy cup
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever stopped at a red light and been looked at funny {by a really hot guy} because you're crusin' with the windows down singing and blastin' the Hokey Pokey on the radio...WITH NO KID IN THE CAR...true story
You know you're a momma if...
you use your own spit to clean your childs face or smooth down a cowlick
You know you're a momma if...
your shirt becomes one giant Kleenex mopping up snot, boogers and other bodily fluids and you don't think twice about leaving the house wearing it
You know you're a momma if...
you begin to talk in a voice that is several octaves higher than normal and everything you say rhymes..."let's go the store and get you a cookie wookie so you'll be happy wappy okay sweetie peetie?"
You know you're a momma if...
you can't go #1 or #2 without somebody accompanying you into the bathroom, handing you toilet paper and wanting to have a conversation with you every time
You know you're a momma if...
for lunch you had a leftover PB&J and goldfish
You know you're a momma if...
you find cheerios in completely random and inappropriate places...uh say for instance, stuck to your butt...yea it happened
You know you're a momma if...
you've wondered where the heck Max & Ruby's parents are...???
You know you're a momma if...
you walk around with only one leg shaved because your little one needed you out of the shower RIGHT NOW
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever wondered if Phineas and Ferb will EVER go back to school, surely it's been 104 days by now
You know you're a momma if...
you spell out things you don't want your kids to know you're taking about..."Maybe we can take him to the P-A-R-K later and get some I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M"
You know you're a momma if...
you see nothing wrong with going out in public with a Star Wars band-aid covering YOUR boo boo
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever stuck a pacifier in your own mouth to clean off the germs
You know you're a momma if...
you become a "poo detective" and can tell exactly what your child ate by the color and/or texture of their poo...disgusting but true
You know you're a momma if...
you tell time by which cartoon is coming on next
You know you're a momma if...
you have to weed through action figures in your purse just to find your wallet
You know you're a momma if...
you've hoped ketchup can be considered a vegetable since it's the only thing your kid will eat
You know you're a momma if...
you hire a babysitter because you haven't been out with your hubby in ages, then spend half the night taking about and/or checking in on the kids
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever nearly had a heart attack because a little person is suddenly standing beside your bed in the middle of the night
You know you're a momma if...
you've ever reached into your wallet to hand the cashier a quarter and gave them a Chuck E Cheese token instead
You know you're a momma if...
your idea of dressing up for the day is putting on your "nice" sweatpants...you know, the ones without the barf stains on them
And last but not least...
You know you're a momma if...
no matter how insanely crazy your day was you would do it all over again in a heartbeat because you love your little kiddo more than your own sanity
I'd love to hear your "You Know You're a Momma if..." moments! Share them in the comment section below!
xoxo,
Lacee
