There's a storm coming.
The same winter storm that has been coming around this time for years now.
The rain falls heavy and sometimes lasts for days...even weeks.
The clouds are dark.
The sun doesn't shine through.
It's not something that I look forward to, but no matter how hard I try I can't stop it from coming...nobody can.
This storm is not one that takes place outside.
It takes place inside...inside of me.
A storm of emotion.
The rain falls from my eyes in the form of tears.
The dark clouds of sadness consume me.
My normally sunny disposition in unable to break through.
Sometimes I can feel it coming, and I do my best to prepare for it.
Other times its like a flash flood coming with no warning at all.
It's hard to believe that I have weathered this storm for 13 years.
It's hard to believe that I have lived almost half my life without her...my mom.
I remember when I first lost her and how people told me that it would get easier.
That time would heal my wounds.
I believed them.
I kept waiting...days, weeks, months, years.
It never got easier.
Sure the pain has lessened, I have more good days now than bad, but easy? No.
It's not easy going through life without someone you love, without your best friend.
It's not easy experiencing life's joys without them by your side. It makes those moments bittersweet at best.
It's not easy being consumed with jealousy while you watch your friends with their moms.
It's not easy to feel like you are forgetting them...their smell, their laugh, their smile, their touch.
It's not easy trying to describe to your son the grandma he never met.
It's not easy when the pain is so gut wrenching that it keeps you in bed for days.
It's not easy trying to smile and put on a happy face when inside your heart is breaking.
I know those people were only trying to comfort me, but it's hard not to feel like I was mislead.
Like I've been waiting all this time for something that was never going to happen anyway.
But then again, I don't think you can fully understand what its like until you lose someone so close to you...a piece of your heart.
I came across a quote a few years ago that really describes it perfectly...
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." ~Rose F. Kennedy
I know now that pain is not going to go away...at least not right now.
I know that the best thing for me to do is just allow the pain and sadness to come...that its better to not fight it, hold it in and bottle it up as I have done in the past.
To allow it to remind me to be grateful for what I have, what I have become, what I've learned, and for beautiful memories that were made.
I know that it's ok to be sad.
It doesn't mean I'm weak, it means I'm human.
I know that the storm will pass, but for now I'll let the rain fall. Because after the storm not only will the sun shine again, but sometimes there is even a rainbow.
Mom,
You are loved and missed so much by so many. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of you. You are forever in my heart until we meet again...
Pamela
March 24, 1948 - January 22, 1999
Love always your little girl,
Lacee
